I’m so glad I can concentrate on Dear Husband on Father’s Day and not be held captive by sad, childhood memories of my father. Father’s Day can bring up painful memories for those of us who had difficult childhoods. But there’s something we can do to be free of the bitterness that can set in because of childhood pain. Doing this one thing can set us free from the bitter grip of painful memories. Forgive.
But how to forgive? (Please don’t assume I’m advocating the reestablishment of relationships with abusers so they can abuse us again.) The alternative to forgiveness is unforgiveness which fetters us in a negative mind space characterized by blame, anger, resentment, and limiting beliefs. We are tethered to the offender, unable to leave the hurt behind, being sucked back to re-live the hurt over and over. When we are shackled to the one who hurt us, we are never able to rise above the past and soar. But there is a better way. I’m talking about releasing the offender from our desire to get revenge. We let go of our natural urge to make them pay for their wrongs against us. So how do we forgive when the pain is real?
Our Lord Jesus is our example of forgiveness. Even while suffering the excruciating pain of crucifixion, he asked the Father to forgive the perpetrators instead of calling down curses on them. “Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” (Luke 23:34). Although the governor and the soldiers knew they were doing wrong in killing a man they knew to be innocent, they didn’t understand the full extent of their sin. They didn’t realize that the innocent man was the Son of God. Forgiveness recognizes ignorance. Although fathers who neglect or abuse their children know what they’re doing is wrong, they don’t understand the full scope of their actions. We can pray the same prayer for forgiveness that Jesus did.
Think of the kind of life Jesus had after he forgave, died, and came back to life. That’s the kind of life we can have when we forgive, die to our desire for revenge, and have new life in Jesus. Forgiveness puts the one hurt beyond the destruction of the offender. The sins of others can’t hold the innocent down. There is release and new life beyond the wrongs done to us. We enter the realm of a new kingdom by the doorway of forgiveness. We begin operating in the power of the Kingdom of Light and are delivered from the Kingdom of Darkness. We have power to overcome, and we are free.
It’s easier to forgive when we remember that we’re also in need of forgiveness because we sin, too. Our willingness to forgive others is intertwined with our own forgiveness. If we offer forgiveness, we will receive forgiveness. If we won’t forgive, we won’t be forgiven. Giving is directly connected to receiving. When I choose to embrace forgiveness, I’m embracing it for myself, too. If I, as a sinner, can’t forgive other sinners, how could I expect a perfect God to forgive me?
“For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” Jesus in Matthew 6:14-15
We all have to be alert to keep the errors of our fathers out of our own lives. Every human has weaknesses that can lead us into temptation. The faults we see in our fathers should put us on guard against those faults showing up in our own lives. We must be vigilant so that their weaknesses don’t lead to sins taking root in us. We have been warned by observing the failures of our fathers so we don’t have to repeat them.
There were two sons, one son did well in his adult life- faithful husband in a long-term, happy marriage; committed, involved dad to his children who he provided for; hard-working; respected; sincere faith that he lived his life by. The other son experienced a series of failures that resulted in a downward spiral – he was repeatedly unfaithful in his romantic relationships being unwilling to commit; he got his girlfriends pregnant, but refused to be a father to his children or provide for them except when convenient; he couldn’t hold a job for longer than a few years; he wasted what money he had on alcohol and drugs and as a result his mental, physical, and spiritual health deteriorated. When the brothers were asked why they had made their life choices, they replied similarly! The successful son explained that his dad was an alcoholic and his growing-up years had been difficult. Therefore, he chose better. The second son explained that his father had been an alcoholic and his growing-up years had been difficult. Therefore, he was doomed.
Here we are. Father’s Day has rolled around yet again. What can we do this year to support the fathers in our lives whether they be husbands, sons, sons-in-law, friends, nephews, or even the frazzled dad at the store? We can encourage them by expressing our gratitude for specific things they do for their families. Everyone wants to be appreciated and thanked, so let’s be an example of thanking dads thus encouraging their children to appreciate and thank them. Let’s facilitate our children or grandchildren doing something/making something especially for Dad. Let’s talk with them about the things their dads do for them.
Here are two specific suggestions for helping the younger generation express appreciation:
Share a happy memory of something positive your dad did for or with you. Share something you learned from your dad. Hopefully something positive, but even negative lessons are valuable. Then ask them to do the same. Ideally, this would take place with their dad present, but if not, relay the conversation to their dad or record it. Or have the children draw a picture of something they do with their dad.
Another way we can support the fathers in our lives is to take family photos and particularly father/child photos. They can be spur-of-the-moment phone snapshots or professional, planned ones. Just make it a priority this Father’s Day to make keepsake images of this stage in the life of their families. I have one photo of my dad with me. It was taken in a photo booth. We can do better. And BTW, expect pushback from the dads. But kindly and firmly remind them the photos are for their children who will cherish the images in years to come.
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