As a child, I heard an old proverb repeated often in the Pennsylvania Dutch area I grew up in.  “We grow too soon old and too late wise.”  Now as an older adult I know this is true.  I sure wish I had done things differently in my younger years, especially in my marriage.  By God’s mercy we will be celebrating our 50^th anniversary soon.  This milestone is causing me to appreciate how far God has brought us in our marriage.  I wish it hadn’t taken me so long in our relationship to come to this good place.  For years I was stuck in a mindset that was destructive.  I wish I had changed sooner, but I’m grateful we’re where we are now.  

Can I just give you some advice from this vantage point? Looking back, I can see many things I did wrong.  Or more specifically, things I thought wrong.  Our thoughts truly determine the outcome of our lives. I’ll just mention one negative way of thinking that damaged our marriage in our younger years.  Maybe it will help you avoid my mistake.

I replayed hurtful comments in my head.  I let my mind go back over and over the stinging words and felt their pain over and over.  I was just plain stupid to replay the pain!  I never dealt with hurtful comments in real-time.  I stuffed them and then stewed over them getting bitter, resentful, and angry.  Turning off the painful replay and turning on thoughts of gratitude for all my blessings including all of his many, many, many wonderful attributes puts a stop to bitterness.

Now I know that I am always better off dealing with the incident at the time.  Sometimes I have taken comments completely wrong and not at all the way they were intended.  His intent wasn’t to harm or belittle.  So much better to get it cleared up immediately!  Other times comments were unnecessary and needed me to identify them as such to both of us.  Other times the comments needed to be identified as unacceptable and the line drawn in the sand.  Letting hurtful words wound and then slinking away to lick the wounds isn’t the answer.  Ignoring them doesn’t prevent them from happening again.  Neither does pretending the words didn’t hurt.  Answering with anger, sarcasm, or unkind words certainly doesn’t solve the issue.  (Ask me how I know.) It takes honesty, courage, and love to point out firmly, and calmly that the line has been crossed.  I wish I had learned that sooner.  

What I allow myself to think about determines what I say and do.  If my thoughts are angry and I make myself a victim, I will become an angry loser. Carrying a grudge is a heavy burden that crushes the joy out of us.  When instead, I resolve the conflict, I have joy.  When I fill my days with positive thoughts by thinking about Scripture, praying, being grateful, and enjoying beauty, I have peace.

That’s basically the very practical advice Paul, the church planter, gave two women who weren’t getting along with each other.  We don’t know the nature of the disagreement, but I think these principles apply to any relationship.  In a nutshell, this is Paul’s wise counsel:  Try to settle it between the two of you because you’re both God’s children.  Sometimes a third party needs to help resolve the issues because even the best people sometimes need help.  Don’t let disagreements steal your joy.  Choose joy.  Be considerate of everyone, even those you disagree with.  Keep in mind that the Lord is near and he sees and hears what you do.   Stop worrying about things, instead pray about them.  Ask God for what you need and thank God for all he has already given you.  The result will be peace of mind and heart.  And don’t forget to think constantly about positive things:  true and respectable, right and pure, lovely and praiseworthy things.  Then put into practice what you know is right so you will have God’s peace.

Here are his exact words.  “Now I appeal to Euodia and Syntyche. Please, because you belong to the Lord, settle your disagreement.  And I ask you, my true partner, to help these two women, for they worked hard with me in telling others the Good News. They worked along with Clement and the rest of my co-workers, whose names are written in the Book of Life.

 Always be full of joy in the Lord. I say it again—rejoice!  Let everyone see that you are considerate in all you do. Remember, the Lord is near.

Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.  Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me—everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you.”  Philippians 4:2-9

Thoughts and words are the most powerful forces in the universe.  I need to guard mine as if my life depends on them.  Because it does.

“Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.”  Proverbs 4:23

Didn’t the Lord make you one with your wife? In body and spirit you are his. And what does he want? Godly children from your union. So guard your heart…” Malachi 3:15

“The mouth speaks what the heart is full of.”  Jesus in Matthew 12:34