Husband’s close relative gave birth to conjoined twins.  One baby died a month later after the separation surgery.  The other died less than four years later after suffering multiple health issues and surgeries.  Yet the grieving mother put herself in the hands of her loving heavenly Father and was enabled to move forward, even having two other children.  Today she is a grandmother and over the years has comforted so many other suffering people and volunteered countless hours helping children.  She never got bitter, lost her faith, or got stuck in sorrow.

Why do some people survive devastating circumstances and move forward to become stronger and better while others get stuck in their pain?

We each have a choice in how we respond to adversity.  We can choose a healthy response:  I don’t like this, but I accept it.  I believe You, God, have something good for me in this.  Thank you for what you have given and continue to give me. I will seek godly companionship.

Even our Messiah recoiled at the suffering ahead of him.  He admitted he was in deep distress and asked his closest friends to pray with him.  But they fell asleep instead of helping him.  Yet Jesus poured out his heart to God and accepted God’s plan for him.

“He took Peter and James and John, and he became anguished and distressed.  He told them, “My soul is crushed with grief to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.”

 He went on a little farther and bowed with his face to the ground, praying, “My Father! If this cup cannot be taken away unless I drink it, your will be done.”  Matthew 26:37-38,42

In humility, I acknowledge that God knows more than I do and has the right to choose what circumstances I experience.  God has good purposes for why things happen to me.  God has good plans for me.  God deserves my trust.  I don’t know enough or have enough power to make a better plan than God’s plan.  I can lean into God’s wisdom and love when I don’t understand/like my circumstances. 

Then the Lord said to Job,
“Do you still want to argue with the Almighty?  You are God’s critic, but do you have the answers?”

Then Job replied to the Lord,
“I am nothing—how could I ever find the answers?
I will cover my mouth with my hand.
I have said too much already.
I have nothing more to say.”

Then the Lord answered Job from the whirlwind,
“Will you discredit my justice
and condemn me just to prove you are right?
Are you as strong as God?”  Job 40:1-6, 8-9

 When we spend our mental energy wishing it wouldn’t have happened we are resisting what happened, yet it can’t be undone.  What happened, happened.  Resistance is futile and we wear ourselves out pushing against a brick wall.  When we continue to rehearse the pain, we are spending our emotional energy negatively, allowing ourselves to be hurt over and over.  

When we spend our mental energy accepting the circumstance as part of God’s good plan, we can begin to think of ways that this circumstance is bringing positive outcomes, and we move forward into the good possibilities.  When we accept, we are employing positive emotional energy to let God heal us.

There are two different kinds of regret.  The kind that sucks life out of us and the kind that spurs us on to improve.  

Saying, “If only …” pushes us backward because we are looking back.  Saying, “This is how it is right now but I’m working to improve this situation,” moves us forward because we are looking forward.  If there is something we did wrong, we identify it specifically and confess it to God, make it right if others were hurt, and make a plan to change that behavior or attitude from now on.  If we didn’t do anything wrong but things went badly, we rest in our innocence, think about what we learned, (possibly ways to avoid it in the future), and show our loyalty to God by continuing in faith and seeking the company of others who love God.

Paul had to write a severe letter to a church where someone had wronged another.

“…It (the severe letter) hurt you, but the pain caused you to change your ways.  For the kind of sorrow God wants us to experience means a change of heart, it is the world’s sorrow that is such a deadly thing.  You can look back now and see how the hand of God was in that sorrow.  Look how seriously it made you think. . . Look how it made you long for my presence, how it stirred up your keenness for the faith.  You showed that you have done everything necessary to make things right…in the sight of God you could see for yourselves how loyal you are…”  2 Corinthians 7:9-12

Every time we hit a bump in our road, it is an opportunity to learn.  We can ask what we did or thought to contribute to this difficulty.  We can assess what others did to bring this about.  We can make a resolution to act or think differently to avoid this situation in the future.  Then  problem solve a way out and take action.  Or we can waste emotional energy by replaying the hurt, blaming others, and getting angry, resentful and discouraged.  Then we are stuck spinning our wheels and dig ourselves deeper into misery.

Some hard circumstances are the result of someone else’s unwise or hurtful actions. We shouldn’t excuse or deny the bad behavior of others.  Sweeping bad behavior under the carpet or minimizing it does nothing but prolong the pain.  But after naming the bad behavior, we can forgive the perpetrator and move on, entrusting our well-being into God’s hands. He is fully capable of turning other’s bad intentions into good for us. We aren’t wise to restore a close relationship with those who show no remorse for hurting us, but we can release our desire to harm them back which frees us to seek healthy relationships elsewhere to meet our needs. 

 “your father has cheated me, changing my wages ten times. But God has not allowed him to do me any harm.”  (Jacob explaining the reason he has to move his family away from his father-in-law)  Genesis 31:7

“You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people.”  (Joseph talking to his traitorous brothers after they sold him into slavery and he rose to second in command in Egypt.) Genesis 50:20

I think we should ask ourselves when we’re hurting;  Am I

Accepting or resisting?

Moving forward or staying stuck?

Trusting or questioning?

Being grateful or whining?

Looking Godward or looking inward?

Hoping or regretting? 

Fellowshipping or isolating?