Two heart-wrenching phone calls in one day.  A marriage flying apart.  An engagement languishing.  We ache from a deep place inside.  Sadness wants to swallow us up.  We flounder in a pit of sorrow.  Is there something we should do?  How do we think about this?  Did we contribute to these sad situations?  Soul searching, talking it over together, praying and praying.  God, what do want to do in these lives who are so precious to us?  What can we learn?

Here is what I’m learning from watching an engagement on the precipice of break-up and a marriage in danger.

Love is costly.  Laying down our own desires, plans and time for the sake of another is a great sacrifice.  It goes against our human nature.  From infancy, we try to get our needs met.  Our thoughts are first about ourselves.  Just watch a toddler with his baby brother if you don’t think we’re all naturally selfish.  We compete for attention, for rewards, for affirmation.  As we mature, we’re taught to think of others also, instead of thinking only about ourselves, but this doesn’t come naturally.  We have to remind ourselves to consider others.  Ever notice that when we see a group photo, we always check our own image first, then look at the others?  Think how often we are quick to give ourselves the benefit of the doubt when things don’t turn out well- our intentions were good, we tell ourselves.  But when noticing the shortcomings of others, we’re not so generous.  We tend to assume the worst.

Real love is sacrificial.  Loving mothers sacrifice for their children.  Loving wives give up things for their husbands and loving husbands lay down their lives for their wives.  This isn’t lily-livered caving in to another’s demands in order to make temporary peace.  This is a brave decision to do what is best for the other in spite of the personal cost.  To love, we must give up pieces of ourselves daily.  Here is a small example from our own marriage.  We made a commitment at the beginning of our marriage to go to bed together and to get up together.  This gave us time to talk, to enjoy one another, and to pray together.  So for decades, I went to bed early with him so we could get up early for his job.  I gave up staying up late which I prefer.  Early on, I resented giving up the quiet hours after the kids were in bed when I could have gotten things done, but later I realized the sacrifice of going to bed early paid high dividends in terms of our closeness.  (Oh, the joys of retirement!  I get to stay up later to write and study and he is sacrificing to stay up with me.)

A common misconception is that one can add a spouse to his/her life and pretty much just keep on with the life they lived before marriage. Living parallel, but separate lives doesn’t require much sacrifice.  Neither does it produce the union marriage was intended to be.  Oneness is costly and unnatural.  But loving God and truly loving another is more powerful, fulfilling and happy-making than anything this side of Heaven.  Giving up things that are precious for the sake of another makes no sense from a strictly practical viewpoint.  A wife giving up her career in order to be present with her children doesn’t make financial sense.  But being there for baby wake-up snuggles and first steps is more valuable to her than money.  Her husband gives up eight hours a day of his life working in order to support his family, gives up buying a new vehicle, and having costly hobbies so she can stay home with the little ones.  Even the children learn to give up getting the latest and greatest toys and clothes for the sake of being together.  The whole family learns the sweetness of sacrificing for love.

The great paradox is that we give up in order to gain.  We let go in order to lay hold of that which is most precious.  We all love a good love story.  Many of them involve someone sacrificing for the sake of love.  One partner gives up something he/she held dear, something of great value.   It is the costly sacrifice which makes the happy ending possible.  This isn’t an epic example, but here is my love story.  Husband and I met in Chicago in the Fall of my senior year at a three-year Bible institute.  I had been accepted at a college in New England where I planned to finish my degree after graduating from the institute.  I was making plans to go to Europe that coming summer on a study program offered by the college I planned to attend, then start college the following Fall.  After dating Husband for a short time, I decided I didn’t want a serious relationship.  I had big plans and marriage just wasn’t in the plan.  I knew marriage would likely prevent me from getting my degree and I wasn’t ready to give that up.  But after a lot of wrestling within myself, I asked God what his plan was.  He let me know clearly that his plan for me was Husband!  We married the weekend after my graduation from the institute program.  I never got my degree.  Was the sacrifice worth it?  Yes.  I was able to support him in his education and was so proud when he graduated with his degree.  Had I stuck stubbornly to my plan, I feel our lives would have taken different courses and we wouldn’t be celebrating 45 years of marriage this June.  Was it an instant happily-ever-after experience?  Not at all.  But learning to love each other has been the most valuable experience of my life.  I can’t imagine life without him.  Or without our six children.  And incidentally, I’ve had a life rich in work experiences that were possible without a degree.   When the kids were grown, I went to a trade school and became a certified interior designer.  When the kids were at home I only worked part-time.  I’ve owned home based businesses- photography and interior design (not at the same time, but in several different locations.  Restarting a business in a new location was challenging);  I’ve taught pre-school and high school. I’ve worked as an editor.  And I’ve thoroughly enjoyed each one.  Together we’ve had rich experiences as we learned to adapt to living in three locations in Asia and four US states.  We are rich in friends from all over the world!

How about your love story?  Maybe you’ve loved sacrificially, but the happily-ever-after hasn’t come.  You’ve learned that there are no guarantees.  Each person, including your loved one, has a choice to return love or to live selfishly.  Please take heart.  God sees.  Your giving heart hasn’t gone unnoticed.  You will be rewarded, if not in this fleeting life, then in the eternal next life.  Or perhaps you realize you’re the partner that has selfishly insisted on your own life, not willing to sacrifice for the other’s sake.  You see that in ten years, you won’t be where you want to be.   You’re on a trajectory to lose the thing that has the most potential to make you happy.  In the long-term, you won’t gain what matters most.  It’s never too late to choose true love.