Ever been accused of something and you just wanted to defend yourself? Convince the other party that you’re right? That their accusation is wrong? Fight for yourself? Yep, me too. That’s called Ego. Our pride bristles at criticism. So we can cross swords and fight back or we can refuse to engage and find a happy path that goes a different direction.
Criticism should stimulate introspection. Often there is a grain of truth in the criticism. We should always step back calmly from the reeling blow and examine our hearts. What about this complaint is true? What part is my fault? It may not be something we did wrong in this instance, but there may be a wrong that we did in another instance that we need to repent of. Case in point, I was recently accused of hurtful behavior, and although I didn’t see my wrongdoing in that exact instance, I realized that I had demonstrated a critical spirit in a previous interaction with that person which set the stage for them being critical of me. So I let the criticism be a purifying influence. I identified my wrong and vowed to avoid being critical next time.
Criticism should initiate forgiveness in our hearts. Forgiveness of others is easier when we remember that we often need forgiveness and God gives it freely to us. So we should forgive others freely. A wise friend of mine was sharing how she as an adult has dealt with childhood physical abuse from her mother. She knew she had forgiven her mother. She had compassion on her mother because her mother’s circumstances were difficult. But my friend was still carrying the emotional and physical pain caused by her mother as well as her mother’s pain. One day she got a mental picture of herself as a child being shaken violently by her mother. Then Jesus came between her and her mother. He carried her mother to the cross and laid her down without resistance or cooperation from her. Then he took the little girl by the hands and lifted her to her feet and she was a grown woman. All the hurt she carried had been taken away and laid at the cross of Christ. I think our forgiveness allows Jesus to release us from the painful results of others’ sins against us.
“Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.” Colossians 3:13
Criticism should stimulate us to affirm others. We know what it feels like to be beaten down, so make extra effort to affirm, encourage, and care for others, both friends and family, and anyone who crosses your path. Determine to build others up, not tear them down. Our pastor pointed out today that we sometimes give a complement, but then add advice that cancels out that complement. He gave an example of a parent saying, “That’s a good report card. I’ll bet you can bring that B+ up to an A next time.” What the child will remember isn’t that the parent is happy with the report card, but that the parent isn’t satisfied with his effort. I’m so guilty of wanting to give my two cents worth of advice on any topic. However, it isn’t worth two cents if it tears down the other person. Why do I think I know the best way to do it? And besides, no one pays any attention to advice they didn’t ask for. I’m working on affirming and building others up. There is some behavior I can’t affirm, but I can affirm my continuing love for the person, and find something positive that I can praise them for.
“So encourage each other and build each other up, just as you are already doing.” 1 Thessalonians 5:11
Criticism should teach us to reject negative thoughts. Sometimes we want to shove back or other times we take on false guilt. Both are dangerous to you and to the other party. Own what you did wrong, but don’t accept blame where it isn’t deserved. Move forward. Leave the past behind. Don’t keep replaying the criticism or how you’d like to fight back. Every time it comes to mind, intentionally direct your thoughts to something positive. The hurt jumps into your thinking at the least trigger, but push it out with thoughts of thankfulness for the many good things in your life. For me, putting myself in the company of those who are seeking to better themselves and who treat me with respect is very renewing. I find this community in my church. Here, too, I’m stimulated to think on a higher plane than my own feelings, my own hurts and wants. I’m reminded of the bigger picture and of Who’s in charge. I’m exhorted to think of God and others. The music is healing for my aching soul. I’d be lost without the support and challenge of my church family. When I’m going about my daily life, I make it a point to fill my mind and heart with happiness by deeply enjoying Scripture, beauty, laughter, good books, learning something new, being outdoors, interacting with grandchildren, and doing the jobs I’ve been given with gusto. I resist the urge to eat or buy things to make myself feel better. Letting ourselves revel in all the good that is around us lifts us up.
“Always be full of joy in the Lord. Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need and thank him for all he has done…His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus…fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me…Then the God of peace will be with you.” Philippians 4:4-9
Criticism should stimulate a re-evaluation of the relationship. Some people cannot be pleased. You walk on eggshells around them and the effort is exhausting. You know it’s just a matter of time before the next blow-up. This is unhealthy for both of you. Both of you are miserable. So put distance between you. Neither of you needs the drama. If possible, agree to mutually find other paths. Admit the relationship isn’t working and part with goodwill. You are both much happier seeking other sources of friendship and interaction. I realize you can’t do this in every situation. If it’s a family member, you can only get so much distance. But you can invest in healthy friendships among like-minded people so you’re not dependent on your difficult spouse/child/parent for all your relational needs. In the Old Testament, Jacob and his father-in-law had a contentious relationship. God, himself instructed Jacob to leave. Jacob and Laban came to the only agreement Laban ever honored- to leave each other alone.
Laban said, “I will never pass this pile of stones to harm you, and you must never pass these stones to harm me…Then he left and returned home.” Genesis 31:52,55
Criticism should make us appreciate the people in our lives who lovingly put up with us with all our warts. We all know we’re not perfect. Sometimes we blow it. Sometimes we’re selfish, inconsiderate, prideful, grouchy, hangry, disconnected or any number of other ugly behaviors. We should treasure the people in our lives who experience our flaws and love us anyway. They are patient with us, but they notify us when we violate the boundaries. These dear people don’t pretend we’re perfect; they just love us anyway and forgive us. Let’s hold them in high regard and thank them for putting up with us. (A huge ‘thank you’ to my dear husband whom I treasure and am unspeakably grateful for.) Appreciate your healthy relationships by savoring the laughter, good times, and affirmation you receive from your true friends and family.
“Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other.” Romans 12:10