Your adult daughter has walked out on her husband.  Now your grandchildren are passed back and forth between the two and they are acting out.  Your son is sacrificing his family for his career.  Your teen is doing drugs instead of sports.

How do we deal with the pain of watching those we love make bad choices?  How do we keep our sanity while watching the consequences of bad choices our loved ones have made?

Do we have to be miserable because of the self-inflicted pain of others?

Remind Yourself and Them of Their Good Points 

Appreciate the good in them.  All of us are flawed, but we can celebrate the good.   Complement their positive aspects.  Cheer for them.  Noticing the good isn’t condoning the wrong.  Self-destructive behavior cannot be condoned, but we can praise their smart choices, the kindnesses shown to us, and their skills without agreeing with their destructive behavior.  This approach is modeled by the apostle Paul and Jesus.  They praised the positive behavior first, even though there was negative behavior.
1Corinthians 11:2, 17  
I am so glad that you always keep me in your thoughts, and that you are following the teachings I passed on to you.
But in the following instructions, I cannot praise you. For it sounds as if more harm than good is done when you meet together.
Revelation 2:3-5
You have patiently suffered for me without quitting.
But I have this complaint against you. You don’t love me or each other as you did at first!

Good Fences Make Good Neighbors

Boundaries benefit us and them.  If we bail them out of the consequences of their bad behavior, what will be the motivation to avoid bad behavior next time?  Continuing to get them out of trouble will ruin them and exhaust us and our resources and will eventually lead to resentment in both parties.  Abraham rescued his headstrong nephew once, but later he didn’t swing into action.  He stayed home and talked to the Lord about it.
Genesis 19:29  
But God had listened to Abraham’s request and kept Lot safe, removing him from the disaster that engulfed the cities on the plain.
Psalm 119:67
I used to wander off until you disciplined me;
but now I closely follow your word.

Pray Earnestly and Persistently

God is only one who can change their heart.  We know that although we can’t convince them to make good choices, God loves them and is working on them.  We pray that they will see the truth and recognize lies.  We pray they will turn back to God.  We are thankful that in spite of all our mistakes, sins, and ignorance as their parents, God can shepherd them in the right path.

Romans 12:12  Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying.

2 Corinthians 13:7  Now we pray to God that you will not do anything wrong. . . so that you will do what is right even though we may seem to have failed.

Ephesians 1:18  I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened

Take comfort in the principle of choice.

Each of us chooses every day what we value.  We decide to eat fast food because we value speed and low price more than health.
Each of us chooses every day what we believe.  One couple believes that marriage is a lifetime commitment and therefore chooses to work on their problems.  Another couple believes that divorce is often the best solution for disharmony and they choose to go their separate ways.

We are not robots.  Putting in information does not guarantee a particular outcome.  Children raised in a dysfunctional, drunken household may turn out to be well-adjusted and successful if they make choices based on higher values.  Children raised in a stable, church-going family may turn out to leave the faith and not be committed to their own marriage.  They have chosen to hold different beliefs than their parents.  They make their own choices.  None of us can decide for another.  We have influence, but we don’t have control.  Each of our offspring chooses to believe or not believe the input we give.  Each chooses what he/she will value and makes choices on that basis.
Joshua 24:15
But if serving the Lord seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your ancestors served beyond the Euphrates, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord.”

Our Suffering is Seen

We don’t suffer in a mindless void.  God sees and cares.  We are not in this alone.  Our lives aren’t random.  God has a plan.  We are loved.
Exodus 3:7 
Then the Lord told him, “I have certainly seen the oppression of my people. I have heard their cries of distress. Yes, I am aware of their suffering.”

It Won’t Always Be Like This

Our future is bright!  We have so much happiness to look forward to.  The trials of this life will end and we will enjoy a better place forever.
Romans 8:18 
Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory he will reveal to us later.
Revelation 21:4
He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.”

Good out of Evil

Our heartache has some positive outcomes.

It can keep our hearts soft toward the greatest Sufferer.  It can stimulate us to draw closer to Jesus.  He suffered and he knows how to comfort the suffering.

When everything is rosy, we tend to forget God.  But in our pain, we reach out for the One who is there waiting.  Our aching hearts seek solace in the One who knows our sorrows.  Our hurt makes us aware of a deeper reality.  It helps us disengage from the mundane and meditate on the everlasting.  We move from superficial to deep.
Deuteronomy 8:13-15
and when your flocks and herds have become very large and your silver and gold have multiplied along with everything else, be careful!  Do not become proud at that time and forget the Lord your God, who rescued you from slavery Do not forget that he led you.

It can keep our hearts soft toward others who are suffering.  Who do you talk to when you’re hurting?  Someone who has faced what you’re facing.  Someone who understands the pit because they’ve been there and survived.  How we deal with our heartache can be a beacon of hope to other sufferers. We can comfort them because we’ve been there and received comfort from Christ in that place.  Compassion comes out of suffering.
2 Corinthians 1:3-5
God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.

It can keep our hearts soft toward those headed for harm.  We can warn others.  Those who break our hearts probably won’t listen to us, but there may be someone who will.  We may influence someone who is stumbling toward the same mistake our loved one made.  Our experience may prevent someone else from making bad choices.
Acts 20:30-32  
So be on your guard! Remember that for three years I never stopped warning each of you night and day with tears.

It can keep our hearts clean.  Sometimes our heartache is a result of our own sins. Hard consequences remind us to stop disobeying God, turn around and run into his arms asking for forgiveness.  He will help us keep on the straight path.  Or perhaps our sins were in the past but we insist on carrying the guilt.  Meditating on God’s complete forgiveness and the price paid to purchase our ransom will take our eyes off ourselves and onto the Savior.

Hebrews 10:20-22 By his death, Jesus opened a new and life-giving way through the curtain into the Most Holy Place. . . . let us go right into the presence of God with sincere hearts fully trusting him. For our guilty consciences have been sprinkled with Christ’s blood to make us clean. . .

Heartache can make us better people.  It can burn off the undesirable parts and perfect desirable character traits.

Zechariah 13:9  I will bring that group through the fire and make them pure. I will refine them like silver and purify them like gold. They will call on my name, and I will answer them. I will say, ‘These are my people,’ and they will say, ‘The Lord is our God.’”

I Peter 1:6-7  So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you must endure many trials for a little while.  These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.