Disclaimer:  I don’t want to be a drama queen and make such a big deal of a small thing.  My difficulty with claustrophobia in MRI machines is minor compared to the suffering of so many others who are in intense physical and emotional pain.  I share this blog only because I hope the lessons I’m learning will help someone else in their own battles.  I wrote this shortly before my last and most difficult MRI.

I take off my eleventh-anniversary gift necklace.  I feel naked without it because I have worn that gold necklace day and night for the last 33 years. The gold came from the Amazon-sized river in the jungles of Borneo where we lived for 5 years.  It is a piece of our history together.  But there it lies on the vanity.  I feel uneasy, but I know it will be there when I come back from the torture machine, i.e. MRI.

I know I’m so blessed.  Husband and I.  Now that we’re retired, we have time in the morning to talk about what matters before we even get up.  This morning we talked about God’s gift of this struggle in my life.  No pain is wasted in God’s economy.  Even if there is no physical benefit to the trial of these MRIs, the emotional and spiritual benefit has been great.

Facing my claustrophobia has been humbling. Very humbling.  Gone is my high estimation of my strength.  But in its place is a genuine compassion for the mental suffering of others.  No longer am I in a higher place, stooping down to try to feel their pain.  Now I’m wading thru it just like them.  The panic of the claustrophobia in the first aborted MRI attempt opened a door of fear in my emotions which let out a pall of darkness that haunted me for weeks.  Night time was hell.  The already small RV we were living in shrank in on me at night.  Later, the days after taking a sedative to get thru the second MRI were very dark and frightening.  I didn’t recognize it until my mind cleared, but the depression was the result of that short-term-helpful, but days-long-not-helpful drug.  Now I have some understanding of what people are going through when they are depressed.  Crying at the least thing and being discouraged and hopeless is a drag.  Literally.  Depression drags us down to the pit and obliterates the Light at the end of the tunnel.

Being in a place of weakness has made me appreciate the companionship and strength of the mate God gave me.  I couldn’t have gotten thru it without Husband.  We are closer now than we were before.  This is a reward beyond calculation.  Appreciating his kindness and trusting him with my secret fears have bonded us together.  What do people do who aren’t blessed with a loving helper?  How can I help those who are hurting without back-up?

Being needy has reminded me that God places his child in the company of others who love him and me.  The kindness and concern poured out on me have been totally humbling and reassuring. Our adult children and our daughter-in-love have patiently stood with me, showering me with love.  As Husband pointed out, I’ve become closer to his siblings because of their support in my need.  I don’t have blood siblings, but I realize now that I have true siblings.  So many caring friends have reached out to me and reminded me of the treasure that is godly friendship.  I’ve felt the prayers of others shielding me and lifting me up.  I’m not alone.  Now how can I reach out to someone who is feeling alone?

Fear and sadness have driven me into the arms of my Savior.  Darkness makes me run to the Light.  I’ve found solace for my raw emotions in Scripture.  I’ve found peace in meditating on the words of God.  Filling my mind with uplifting, positive thoughts from Scripture pulls me out of the pit of my own making.  I’ve found joy in giving thanks for the beyond-counting blessings I’ve been given.  I love thanking God for the small things all day long.  Being aware of little (and big!) blessings makes me happy.  I wouldn’t trade that moment-by-moment closeness for a comfortable existence that dulls my heart to my need for Jesus. 

“Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying.”  Romans 12:12

“For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever!  So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.”  2 Corinthians 4:17-18

P.S.  The last MRI is now done.  It was hard because my head had to be immobilized and bars put over my face to get clear images of my neck.  But God provided for me in awesome ways.  Too many to write in this blog.  With God’s help, the help of a kind tech and my dear husband, and medication, I made it through.  The mercy of God!

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