Husband and I hit a small bump in the road this week.  Thankfully, I’ve learned to set some firm boundaries.  I had to enforce my boundary, but I did it with a minimum of anger and he was willing to apologize.  It was the first rough spot in a very long time, but it was humbling to realize how quickly even a good marriage can hit trouble.  It takes constant vigilance to stamp out the anger that leads to bitterness and resentment.  It got me to thinking about the fragility of our most cherished relationship.  I found this article that I’d written three years ago on how we’ve worked on our marriage.  It seemed to be worth revisiting, tweaking, and re-posting.

No one plans to bail out of their marriage.  On their wedding day, the couple has every intention of living by their vows.  But gradually they allow disappointments to turn into resentments and eventually the anger, bitterness, and loss of respect break apart the once-close ties that bound them together.  The argument that didn’t get resolved, the harsh words, the impatient sigh, the selfishness, the busy-ness, living parallel lives, feeling unappreciated, physical problems that steal the joy of sex.   It doesn’t happen overnight, rather it’s the grind of daily life that gradually strips first the feelings of love and then the commitment to love.  It takes intentional work to prevent this erosion.

Didn’t the Lord make you one with your wife? In body and spirit you are his. . . So guard your heart; remain loyal to the wife of your youth.  “For I hate divorce!” says the Lord.  Malachi 2:15-16

Soon it will be our 45^th wedding anniversary, (now it’s 48 years) and I have to say that it still takes effort to keep the unity.  What choices am I making today that will strengthen the bond between Husband and me?  Disclaimer:  I do these things regularly, but not perfectly.

1.  I guard my heart.  My default is to stuff things that hurt me.  I learned early in my childhood not to make waves.  I hate confrontation.  But that isn’t an emotionally healthy approach to conflict.  Now I try to deal with problems immediately by saying in plain English what is bothering me as kindly as I can.  I say what I don’t like and why and what I’d like done to fix it.  This is incredibly hard for me. I’m not brave, and it requires God’s help for me to enforce boundaries.   But it puts a lid on anger and it averts festering resentment.    I want to get better at this hard thing of communicating.  This is the hardest and best thing I can do for my marriage.

2.   I guard my schedule.  I say, “No.” to a lot of things so I have the time and energy to devote to caring for his needs.  Not being under pressure allows me to relax and take the time it takes to nurture our relationship.  Even the few things that are on my schedule are flexible.  If you work full time, this isn’t possible for you.  But you do have control over some of your time.  Leave open slots in your schedule to relieve the pressure on you.  Don’t fill every hour with commitments.  This gives you some margin when things don’t go as planned and when things go smoothly, you can use the time to decompress.  Plan regular portions of your schedule for together time. When we were raising our six kids, Husband never accepted any invitation for Saturday mornings.  That was unstructured time for us as a couple first, and then the kids.  For a period of time when he owned his own business, he worked six days a week.  We soon realized that I and the kids needed their dad around on Saturdays and he made the decision to close his store on Saturdays.  We did fine without that income.

3.  When I’m aggravated with a quirk of a loved one, I think of my own weaknesses.  Just because I don’t have that person’s particular annoying trait, doesn’t mean I don’t have my own!  We are all broken.  But grace sees the brokenness and loves anyway.  I’m not advocating ignoring wrong behavior.  I’m saying that I don’t want to stop loving the person because they annoy me.

4.  I recognize that we have different strengths and we need to work as a team.  He needs me and I need him.  Believe me, as we age we recognize this more and more.  He has great distance vision but doesn’t hear well.  I can’t see far away, but my hearing is fine.  In a pinch, I can read to him and repeat a missed conversation in his ear and he can alert me to something in the distance.  Emotionally, we couldn’t be more different.  Socially, we relate in completely different modes.  Mentally, our interests hardly overlap.  But we have chosen to honor our differences and unite to be a well-balanced entity.

5.  I don’t compare him to others.  (Unless it’s to notice how good I have it compared to many other wives!)  I don’t waste time wishing he had some talent or quality I see in another man.  He is the one I promised to be faithful to for better or worse.  I’m sure there are qualities he sees in other women that I don’t have, but he doesn’t point them out to me and make me feel less than.  He has always been faithful and dedicated to me and our family.  It doesn’t get better than that.  I’ve got it made!

6.  I willingly spend the time it takes to care for him.  I pay attention to what brings him enjoyment and aim to do those things.  Early in our marriage, I realized that his standard of housekeeping was a heck of a lot higher than mine.  Raised by an immaculate housekeeper, he was appalled with anything short of perfection.  I was raised by a working single mom who just got by with housekeeping and hired it done when she could afford it.  I decided I’d do my best to improve, altho I knew I could never live up to perfection.  Over the years, I have improved, and now I even find doing household chores can be relaxing and I really like the end result – having a clean, neat house!  As we age, he has relaxed a lot on his standards and daily lends a hand with chores.

7.  I savor our time in bed in the morning before we get up and start daily life.  We talk. Then we pray out loud, taking turns.  Before Husband retired, we didn’t have much time to chat, but we always prayed together before getting up.  We made it our habit to wake up early enough to get time in prayer to start our day.  Now our schedule is much more relaxed and we can talk and pray as long as we want.  One of the best parts of retirement!  Then, during or after breakfast, Husband reads some Scripture to me out loud.  Often we talk over our questions about that passage or we make comments on how that applies to our lives.  I’m so grateful for these habits we engage in together.  It has strengthened our marriage immeasurably.

8.  I recognize that God picked him for me.  A few weeks after we met and started dating, I decided I wanted out of the relationship.  But I had no peace about ending it.  In a clear way, God literally showed me that we should be together.  I have remembered that day when the going got tough. God’s desire is for married couples to stay together.  God knows there are some reasons for divorce because we are broken human beings who may break the marriage covenant and he, therefore, allows divorce.  But his desire is for couples to stay committed to each other and put the other’s good first.  God has a good plan and obedience always brings blessing.  Forty-five (now 48) years of marriage later, I can attest to that.  Obedience brings blessing.

Jesus replied, “Moses permitted divorce only as a concession to your hard hearts, but it was not what God had originally intended.”  Matthew 19:8

But Jesus responded, “He (Moses) wrote this commandment (divorce) only as a concession to your hard hearts. But ‘God made them male and female’ from the beginning of creation. ‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife,and the two are united into one.’ Since they are no longer two but one,let no one split apart what God has joined together.”  Mark 10: 5-9

9.  We serve others together.  I supported his choice to volunteer overseas, donating his expertise to help provide a life-saving link for primitive people groups to the outside world.  I did what I could to back him up and make his life as comfortable as possible in the middle of the jungle.  Later I served him and our church as a pastor’s wife.  Now he assists me and sacrifices for me as I serve others by writing this blog.  I couldn’t do it without his input and his willingness to make sure I have the time to prepare these articles every week.

If you’re married, what can you do today to nurture your relationship with your spouse?   If you’re not married, how can you care for a family member or friend who needs your love?

P.S.  I just remembered another thing that helps our marriage.
10.  I say “Thank You” often.  This is largely due to Husband’s good example.  He thanks me for every meal I prepare.  He is grateful for the small and large things I contribute.  So I try to thank him for all his hard work.  Appreciating each other makes life sweeter.