Have you ever done a stupid thing (not morally wrong, but irresponsible or forgetful)? When you were corrected, did you own your mistake? Did you apologize? Did you promise yourself to do better next time? After your admission of doing a stupid thing, did the person change her approach and give forgiveness and encouragement?
What happens if you admit fault and apologize, but the other person just keeps harping on how stupid you were? (Where do we get the expression, ‘harping on’?!  A harp makes a beautiful sound, but harping is ugly indeed.) If they keep it up, you feel like giving up. You feel like you’re a lost cause. You’ll never be able to measure up. And the enemy of our souls speaks loud and clear, “See, you really are a loser. You can’t do it right. Why try? Just give up. It’s too hard to please them.”
Eventually, discouragement collapses into bitterness. Satan declares, “They were mean to treat you like that. They’re haters. Cut them off. Make them pay. Choose your own path.”

What if, in the course of conversation, your friend told you about an incident that happened the day before and wanted your commiseration? She and her husband were on an errand together. ‘Somebody’ had forgotten to fill up the car with gas. Now they had to stop for gas, which put them behind schedule for one of the stops. Harsh remarks were made, and in spite of admittance of guilt and profuse apologies, the harsh comments continued. At first, the guilty one took it in stride, admitting it was stupid and there was a serious need for improvement.

But as the barrage continued, it suddenly went from thinking, ‘Yes, I need to improve’, to ‘Why don’t I give up? I’m too stupid to have the privilege of driving.’ All silently, of course. When there was no end of harping, the thoughts took a nasty turn, ‘If I don’t drive anymore, he’ll have to drive me. That will teach him. Or I just won’t go anywhere at all. I’ll retreat to safety. The world will go on just fine without me .’ Then even uglier thoughts, ‘He’s mean. He doesn’t really love me.’ Discouragement and anger ruined their afternoon. There was a wedge between them.

What would you advise your friend who caused the inconvenience? What would you advise the person who was inconvenienced? What if it had been a parent and child, or two co-workers? What if the situation were more serious and there had been a sin committed? Would your advice change?  What if you advised them to deal with their offenses by confessing, then each forgiving, and then showing their love and thanking the other for kind things they have done?

Real humans wrestle with real emotions in the Bible. It’s our guide to understanding wise reactions and avoiding harmful responses to others. Paul, the church planter, had to referee many interpersonal issues among church members. He was given wisdom from God on how to repair relationships. In one church, a man had committed a sin which became known to his church. Although Paul was absent, he sent instructions for how to deal with it. The church leaders were to confront the sin and the sinner, and the church was to assign punishment. Then later, Paul followed up with another letter to commend them for dealing with the situation and giving them the next steps so that the offender could be restored and not fall prey to Satan’s scheme of discouragement. He urged them to forgive and reaffirm their love.

“If anyone has caused grief, he has not so much grieved me as he has grieved all of you to some extent—not to put it too severely  The punishment inflicted on him by the majority is sufficient. Now instead, you ought to forgive (cancel the debt) and comfort (encourage) him, so that he will not be overwhelmed by excessive grief. I urge you, therefore, to reaffirm your love for him. … When you forgive this man, I forgive him, too. And when I forgive whatever needs to be forgiven, I do so with Christ’s authority for your benefit, so that Satan will not outsmart us. For we are familiar with his evil schemes.” 2 Corinthians 2:5-8, 10-11

The Bible transparently documents King David, a godly, admirable man, who made mistakes in his family interactions. (As a side note, multiple mates inherently cause complex issues.) David had married several women, one of whom was not from Israel. Their son’s name was Absolam. He was exceptionally good-looking, perhaps like his mother, and was a born leader, perhaps like his grandfather, the king of a neighboring country, and his father, King David. One day, his sister was raped by their half-brother. At the time of the rape, since the Law required that a man who raped a girl must marry her and provide for her for the rest of his life, she begged her half-brother to at least marry her and provide for her since there was now no hope of marrying someone else. He refused. She was devastated. Her brother, Absolam, took her into his household to care for her. He was enraged at his half-brother and plotted revenge. When King David heard of it, he was very angry, but did nothing. David didn’t enforce the clear law of God, and the perpetrator received no consequences for his unlawful, hurtful actions.

For two years, Absalom watched his sister mourn and schemed revenge on his half-brother. Finally, his elaborate plan to entrap and kill his half-brother came to fruition, after which he escaped to his grandfather’s country, where he remained for three years. At that time, King David had gotten over his son’s death and longed to see Absalom again. David invited his son to return, but didn’t officially forgive him or express his love for him. Instead, Absalom wasn’t allowed to visit the king for two more years. When someone interceded for him, David relented and invited him to come see him. They embraced. But Absalom had begun an elaborate plan to steal the kingdom from his father. This evil plan resulted in battles and loss of lives, including Absalom’s. Had the sin of rape been dealt with when it was committed, the outcome would have been far different. Had David reconciled with Absalom sooner by forgiving and showing love, the rift wouldn’t have festered to the point of treason and war. Dealing with problems promptly and then extending forgiveness and love brings peace whether in small, everyday forgot-to-get-gas, or serious violent crime.

So what is your default mistake?  Refuse to deal with the issue, but stuff it in a slow burn?  Forget, but don’t actually forgive?  Overdo the correction until the offender is beat down to your satisfaction, and don’t express love?  What do you need to work on? Correct, Forgive, Love, and Encourage!