Both of us were in complete denial as our daughter drove us to the ER. Of course it was a mistake. He’s been functioning fine. We’ll have another blood workup, they’ll realize they made a mistake, and we’ll be home by evening. But there was no mistake.

Last Wednesday dear Husband and our daughter and granddaughter drove over the mountain to visit his 94-year-old mother in the hospital three hours away. They also visited his 95-year-old father at home 45 minutes farther.  He then drove home arriving late evening tired, but thankful he could see his parents. The next morning he got up early and went to the men’s prayer gathering, then met me and together we went to his annual blood draw in preparation for his yearly physical. Having done his duty, he took me to Costco, picked up our granddaughter for lunch, and then took me to the eye doctor to pick out new eyeglasses. When I came out of the office, I saw he was on his cell phone. I heard the voice on the other end say, “…acute renal failure”. Immediately I assumed he had gotten a call about his mother. But when I looked questioningly at him he simply pointed to himself. I couldn’t process it. I heard the words, “Drive immediately to the hospital or call an ambulance. You are in an emergent situation.” My head reeled. He was protesting, “But I’m fine. I’ve been going a hundred miles an hour. I’m not sick. You must have me mixed up with someone else.”
Both of us were in complete denial as our daughter drove us to the ER. Of course it was a mistake. He’s been functioning fine. We’ll have another blood workup, they’ll realize they made a mistake, and we’ll be home by evening. But there was no mistake. The man with one kidney was in kidney failure. I was devastated and scared.
While waiting in the ER for a hospital room, I recalled the Scripture reading for that morning. God had prepared me for this big test.

“The disciples had forgotten to bring bread, except for one loaf they had with them in the boat. …They discussed this with one another and said, “… we have no bread.”
Aware of their discussion, Jesus asked them: “Why are you talking about having no bread? Do you still not see or understand? Are your hearts hardened? Do you have eyes but fail to see, and ears but fail to hear? And don’t you remember? When I broke the five loaves for the five thousand, how many basketfuls of pieces did you pick up?”
“Twelve,” they replied.
“And when I broke the seven loaves for the four thousand, how many basketfuls of pieces did you pick up?”
They answered, “Seven.”
He said to them, “Do you still not understand?” Mark 8:14, 16-21

We realized that even though we’ve spent a lifetime seeing God provide for us, we were now tempted to be fearful. But God deserves to be trusted. He has proven himself over and over, so why were we now scared? We decided that our byword would be ‘Basketfuls”. We would look for God’s abundant provision at every step. So when we got an exceptionally kind nurse, we would say, “Basketfuls,” to each other. When another nurse personally heated up a meal for us at 11:00pm when we had newly arrived in our hospital room hungry and exhausted, we repeated, “Basketfuls.” When we got a room with a recliner for me to sleep on, we smiled and said, “Basketfuls.” When we got the most reasonable, patient, respectful, kind doctor, we repeated, “Basketfuls.” We kept noticing God’s abundant provision and soon our fear retreated. Long story short, we got excellent care and first steps in turning the situation in a better direction.
Yet beginning with our ride home several days later, the reality of his pain and limitations reared its ugly head. Once again we had to redirect our thoughts. Being self-absorbed leads to discouragement and anger. So how do we handle our feelings when we don’t like what God gives us? He provides, but it isn’t what we wanted. We act like spoiled brats who pine for an easier path although we have what is necessary (and more than many in our circle of friends and relatives who have it so much harder than us.) So how can we complain? But emotions can be hard to rein in when they’re flying around in all directions. And self-absorption is the human default. So how do we get our feet under us amidst swirling discouragement and fear?
The two things that are helping me are:
Being deeply grateful for big and small mercies. . . thankful for the blessings and not dwelling on the hard things. (Not denying the pain, the limitations, and the disappointments but accepting them one day at a time.) Thank you, Lord, for a patient, caring doctor at the hospital and for sweet, dedicated nurses who did everything they could to help us. For first steps in the right direction. For family and friends who pray, text, visit, and help.
Saying, “Yes, Lord, whatever you give me the strength to do, I will do.” This is the response that leads to happiness. (And whatever I haven’t been given the strength for isn’t my job right now.). I simply haven’t been in the headspace to write this blog. I was struggling to get my emotions under control. I was angry. I knew it was selfish to focus on what we lost, but that’s where I was. I didn’t want to write this blog. Instead I avoided it by doggedly cleaning and organizing. I don’t even like to clean! But anything was better than having to deal with my bad attitude. Did you know that we have a kind Boss? He waits patiently till we’re willing to turn away from the dark and turn wholeheartedly to him. Today I woke up and by God’s grace I was finally able to say, “If you help me, I’ll write. I want to say, ‘Yes’ to you today. I want to keep my heart turned to you, not our circumstances.” It’s been a happier day.

“The eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the whole earth to show himself strong on behalf of those who are wholehearted toward him.”  2 Chronicles 16:9