This week was our 52nd anniversary. May I share some things I wish I would have learned at the beginning of our marriage instead of slowly over the decades?
I wish I would have corrected my attitudes sooner:
It took me a long time to consistently shift my attitude from “I have to cook meals.” To “I get to help my family be happy and healthy by making good meals. I get to teach my kids life skills such as cooking, choosing good nutrition, and the joys of working as a team.” This shift had to happen with the other responsibilities of a big family such as laundry, cleaning, and yard work. Appreciating the privilege of having food to cook, clothes to wash, a house to clean, and a yard to care for helped me have a positive outlook on chores. Gratitude can be taught, BTW. Dear Husband is my gratitude tutor in our old age. He reminds me daily to stop and appreciate our blessings both big and small. Our kids are grateful people and have never felt entitled probably because we lived in a third-world country during their growing-up years. They know that not everyone has what we have.

It took me too long to realize that my husband is not the enemy. There were some rough years. His work pressures affected his family interactions and I didn’t respond well. I got resentful and defensive. I was a poor model to our kids on how to deal with conflict. By God’s mercy, after 15 years of wasted negative energy, my maturity increased, and his work situation changed. Boundaries were set. Forgiveness and compassion were learned. I became brave enough to be honest. He became gracious enough to listen. I’m thankful God doesn’t give up on us even though we stumble for years.

I wish I had been less focused on our kids’ obedience and more focused on meeting their inner needs. Outward compliance is far different than agreement. As the old saying goes, “I’m sitting on the outside, but inside I’m still standing up.” They were good kids and still are. But I wish I had asked more questions and given fewer orders. I wish I had been brave and patient enough to hear their honest opinions, doubts, and wishes instead of demanding compliance. I wish I had said, “I’m sorry,” oftener. I wish I had understood that as we grow up, we each make our own decisions. I can’t take responsibility for their choices or their outcomes.

I wish we had taken more time to have fun. I genuinely feel sorry for the children of two type A parents. Drive and ambition are good, but they must be tempered with rest and fun. At least there were a few years when we were intentional about Sunday afternoon fun on the river as a family and daily kid swims. I’m happy that our adult kids learned from our mistakes and know how to balance work and play.

Lest this memoir become too negative, I want to end with some things I’m glad we did in our 52 years of marriage.

I’m glad we had a big family. We all knew we were part of something bigger than ourselves. I’m glad I expected the kids to help from the time they were toddlers without (much) criticism or re-doing a task myself. Because they all learned the value of work from an early age, they are all now self-directed, innovative, and resourceful. They all love their own families.  I’m glad we homeschooled for five years. Although I was the primary teacher, dear Husband contributed greatly and also paid a price for my attention being directed toward teaching the children. That quality time together was precious and irreplaceable. (And their teacher learned a lot!) I’m glad I chose endeavors that allowed me to work from home or be very part-time on location. It gave me a creative outlet and often included our kids who acquired skills and experience.

I’m glad that from the beginning we went to bed and got up together. I know not all couples can do this due to work schedules. It was a sacrifice for this night owl to go to bed early with Husband and get up early with him. Some nights I did it half-heartedly. (Ok, often not with the best attitude and usually accompanied by sighs when my projects couldn’t be finished.) But it was worth the sacrifice! By going to bed and getting up together, we had precious one-on-one time without kids or phones. We talked and prayed and other things that just wouldn’t have happened otherwise.  PS Now I get to decide bed times and it isn’t 9:00pm!

Which brings me to the biggest thing I’m so glad we did together.  Twelve years into our marriage we started praying out loud together before we got up in the morning.  We should have started sooner, of course, but God is patient with the slow to learn.  Once we did start, we never looked back because this simple commitment to praying together helped our relationship immensely.  Sometimes our prayers were a little sleepy or short, but it was/is precious time together with the Lord who loves to hear our prayers.

Since we retired, we added reading Scripture together after breakfast and talking about it.  Husband reads me part of a chapter and we discuss it.  I always have questions and we hash them out together.  Usually in the evening before bed I read to him from an inspirational book about the Bible.  Sometimes the books have been so deep that we’ve reread them or just read a few pages at a time.  It’s a good way to close the day and put our thoughts on things that bring peace and hope.*

I’m so grateful for a faithful husband- faithful to the Lord, to me, and to our kids. I don’t know if this character trait is easy to discern before marriage, so I’m grateful God picked him for me! He persevered through the hard times, and held hope for a better future when I didn’t. He is my rock, my wise advisor, my cheerleader, and now my constant companion. He is a genuine God-seeker. He loves people and cares about the hurting. He is generous and not self-seeking. I am blessed and I thank God for this man.
Fifty-two years ago two (very) young people promised God and their family and friends that they would be husband and wife till death do us part. By God’s grace, only by God’s grace, here we are still happily in love. As I often tell people, neither one of us is nice enough to have stayed together this long. Obviously, it’s God’s kindness and patience working in us.

Recommended books: There are many others, but we keep giving them away and I forget the titles!
Heaven by Randy Alcorn- we read this one at least twice.  What encouragement and hope!    https://store.epm.org/product/heaven
Happiness by Randy Alcorn- another one we reread and going through it again now. God is happy and we find happiness in him.   https://store.epm.org/happiness/
Gentle and Lowly by Dane Ortlund.  Comforting truth about the heart of God  https://www.christianbook.com/gentle-lowly-heart-christ-sinners-sufferers/dane-ortlund/9781433566134/pd/566134?event=ESRCQ
Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend – I’ve read this one to myself several times over the years because I needed to  https://www.christianbook.com/boundaries-when-take-control-your-life/henry-cloud/9780310351801/pd/351804?event=ESRCQ