Yikes! That’s ugly! Really disgusting. Gross!
I was resentful and grouchy. How dare Husband be so optimistic?! He kept telling our concerned family members that I was doing better. But I was still miserable and I wanted others to know it. I wanted sympathy and validation. Whoa! Since when is it someone else’s job to make me feel good? Why had I turned into a demanding, resentful soul? Because I had let my focus slip from a kind God to my own suffering. After a week and a half lying on the sofa in pain, I had gotten impatient, weary, and fearful. My focus was on me instead of a loving God who is working things out for my good. I had let the static of pain and limitations drown out the beautiful music of God’s mercy. I was feeling sorry for myself. I was dreading the next small surgery coming up and starting this recovery routine all over again. I had whined to Husband that morning that I missed my normal life. I, me, my. Ugly.
Being in pain has shone a light on some nasty, dark corners of my soul. I didn’t want to have to look at those. I didn’t want to admit they were there. Oh, Lord, I need you to cut away this ugly self-pity, this demanding of sympathy, this making pain my identity. I know it isn’t your will for me to think like a victim. To play the tape of my woes on repeat. To give to circumstances or others the power to make me sad or happy. My mind went immediately to the C.S. Lewis story where Eustace, a self-centered, rude boy meets the Lion who symbolizes Jesus. Eustace has turned from a boy into a dragon due to his own selfish choices. The Lion cares enough to come to him and begin the process of returning him to his human state. The Lion knows that the dragon scales must be removed to free the boy inside. But each layer of scaly skin is painful to remove. The Lion must slice open each layer in order for Eustace to be free. I felt just like Eustace. I didn’t want to be a dragon, but I needed help to be freed from my selfish thoughts.
Suddenly a little voice inside asked, “Is the world on the verge of collapse because you aren’t doing your usual activities? Exactly what is so all-fired important that you do in your normal life that you can’t do now? Are you really missing out on life?” That stopped me in mid-whine. What is important to me? Can I still enjoy those things even if I can’t be up and about? I knew immediately that the big things in my life were God, and people. Clearly, I could enjoy both from the sofa. With the help of my laptop, I could still study Scripture and even write this blog. Friends and family have been so loving by coming to visit or calling and texting. Every interaction is treasured and thoroughly enjoyed. Besides, I could get up for short spurts and take care of Husband in a basic kind of way by cooking simple meals, keeping up on the laundry, and doing some cleaning. That helped immensely to make me feel useful and less of a burden to a man laid up by his own pain- an injured back.
“Pay careful attention to your own work, for then you will get the satisfaction of a job well done, and you won’t need to compare yourself to anyone else. For we are each responsible for our own conduct. . . But those who live to please the Spirit will harvest everlasting life from the Spirit. So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up. Therefore, whenever we have the opportunity, we should do good to everyone—especially to those in the family of faith. Galatians 6: 4-5,8-10
Part of God’s way of helping me ditch the self-centered whining was to slap me up the side of the head by literally every day bringing someone to our attention who was up against way more than we are. I repeat, every day- and always someone we cared deeply about. Oh, Lord, forgive me for questioning whether this short period of illness is a good thing. Please help these we love face their battles with faith and courage. Help us know how to help them. Lord, why are we so blessed and they have this terrible, long term sickness to contend with? (That’s a whole other issue I’ve been wrestling with!)
For the past several days, I’ve enjoyed a more normal life. The pain has lessened and I can do more of what I want. But in order to step into a happier place, I had to consciously lay aside that ugly, threadbare sweatshirt with the slogan “Poor sick me, you should feel sorry for me”. I traded it for the lovely dress of focusing on God and thinking of others.
As a result of these hard times, Husband and I have started a new way to close our day. After we get in bed, we snuggle up and thank God for everything that made us smile today. Oh, some of them sound almost too insignificant to mention. But in recalling each little thing that brought us happiness, we relive that enjoyment and bring it to God in thanks. Most days we give thanks for little bright yellow Finches that come to our waterfall and entertain us with their acrobatic flying, drinking, bathing, and socializing. We often express our gratitude for phone conversations, photos our kids texted us, or visits. We thank God for a cool evening to sit outdoors and do nothing but soak in the beauty and talk to each other. We thank God for a tasty meal, for something good that happened to a friend, a farmer’s beautiful field of poppies, a cool house with forest breezes, a granddaughter who pitched in and helped with her little brother’s birthday party, an uplifting church service, and innumerable more big and little things.
So I have been reminded yet again that the victim mentality hands power to the bad circumstance and makes me dependent on others to lift me up. Dead end.
The surrendered to God mentality embraces the good plan he has for me that cannot be derailed by any circumstance. It recognizes that God gives me the choice to obey and be blessed. It depends on his grace and power to think right and do right. This is what I choose.
“Today I have given you the choice between life and death, between blessings and curses. Now I call heaven and earth to witness the choice you make. Oh, that you would choose life, so that you and your descendants might live! You can make this choice by loving the Lord your God, obeying him, and committing yourself firmly to him. He is the key to your life.” Deuteronomy 30:19-20. Spoken by Moses at the end of his long life of 120 years exhorting his people to hold tightly to the Lord after he is gone.
Your words have touched me deep in my soul today. I thank our Lord for using your love through your words to send His message who read them. Since last October I, like you, wanted me to be ‘normal’.’normal’, again….The pity party has been alive and well here in our little abode. I have removed the sweatshirt and am realizing today is the new normal. As long as I turn all over to Him and cut the strings , as well, each new day will be filled with with His Grace & His Glory. What could be better than this ‘normal’? Much love to you and your hubby.
Oh, dear Connie, I think of you daily and take note of your perseverance under trial. You both have been examples to us of faithfulness when things are hard. Love your comment about our days being filled with his grace and glory. I like the glory part! He is good to us. We love you and pray for you both daily.
I hope you are feeling better and stronger day by day. I know how miserable it is to not feel well so don’t feel bad for asking for and getting some extra attention! I love you.
You’re kind, my dear friend. I love you, too, and treasure our friendship. Hugs, L