Date:  Valentine’s Day, 1972
Setting: The Student Union Lounge of a college in Chicago
Characters: Two college students

Me:  So, are you going to ask me to marry you? 
Husband-to-be:  Uh, well, we are sitting here discussing our wedding date.
Me:  I know, but I’d feel better if you actually asked me to marry you.  Then it would be official.
He:  OK.  Will you marry me?
Me:  Yes!

I had been emboldened by the fact that it was a leap year. And hey, on a leap year isn’t it ok for the woman to propose to the man?  Not a particularly romantic marriage proposal sitting in the student lounge.  But apparently, it worked just fine because here we are 47 years later still happily married.

This was the beginning of my learning to be happy by realigning my expectations.  I realized that I was marrying a man who was direct, practical, loyal, hard-working, smart, and no-nonsense.  Giving up romantic poems, songs, flowers, and chocolates didn’t seem like much to sacrifice in order to get this kind of a man.   And guess what?  I’ve never regretted the trade-off.  Accepting how he’s wired and appreciating his strengths has gone a long way toward a happy marriage.  

I’m happier if I don’t compare my life to others’ lives.  It either makes me want something I don’t have, or it makes me proud that I have something they don’t.  In Scripture, we’re commanded not to compare.  It makes us unhappy.  God is writing a different story for each of us.  Contentment is one of the best gifts we receive from God.  It’s better than ‘More’ because without contentment, ‘More’ is never enough.  Being at peace with our circumstances because we are resting in God is priceless.

“You must not covet your neighbor’s wife. You must not covet your neighbor’s house or land, male or female servant, ox or donkey, or anything else that belongs to your neighbor.”  Deuteronomy 5:21

The more grateful I am, the happier I am.   Husband is my example of being grateful for what we have.  Many times during the day for no particular reason, I’ll hear him say softly, “Thank you, Lord.”  Or he’ll say to me, “I’m so thankful for our warm, little house.”  Or, “Just look out there.  Isn’t the snow beautiful on the trees?”  I’ve learned that gratitude is a salve for the soul.  Appreciating what I have multiplies my happiness.

“give thanks for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.”  Ephesians 5:20

I’ve learned that complaining makes me unhappy.  When I was a young stay-at-home mom of three littles aged five and under, Husband had a job that sometimes required him to work 20 hour days.  Most days were 12-hour shifts.  All the while multiple lives depended on his skill.  It isn’t surprising that stress showed up in our marriage.  During this time I had a friend who would call me on the phone and encourage me to vent.  I know she meant well, but my recounting what I was frustrated about only seemed to legitimize my gripes in my own mind.  What I needed to do was think of all the ways I was blessed.  If you have a friend that you find yourself dumping on often, why not cut the negative talk and instead talk about the things you are grateful for?  I don’t mean we can never tell one trusted friend when we’re struggling.  I mean let’s not habitually complain to each other. 

If I replay the faults of my spouse on a loop in my head all day, guess what I become?  I become a negative, critical, unhappy person who is a magnet for more negative, critical, unhappy experiences.  What we dwell on is what we become and what we attract.  God’s Spirit can help us retrain our brains.  He will empower us to renew our minds. He’ll help us stop playing the loop of all that’s wrong, replacing it with life-giving thoughts.  

“Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.”  Romans 12:2 

Appreciating our spouses’ positive points, being grateful, being content, refusing to dwell on offenses, overlooking irritations – all these help us to be happy.  But there are some things we can’t afford to overlook.  If we love our spouse, we can’t overlook destructive behavior because it steals life from our spouse and our relationship.  Some examples of destructive behavior are addictions, abuse, and adultery.  Not an exhaustive list.  I’m not equipped to address these, but I do want to give you some things to consider.  Feeling disgust is our human reaction.  But disgust isn’t redemptive.  God doesn’t treat us with disgust.  He hates our sin but accepts us so that he can redeem us.  Disgust pushes others away.  Acceptance of the person (not the behavior) encourages change.  Separate the person from his behavior.  Your love will strengthen your spouse to leave his sin.  Feel compassion.  Forgive because you have been forgiven by Jesus.  Don’t let resentment sour your soul. It’s unlikely there will be lasting change without help from outside.  If your spouse is not yet ready to get help, get help for yourself.  Confide in someone equipped to deal with the particular problem.  Perhaps an elder in your church, a counselor, or a help group.  They will help you draw boundaries.

There are two other destructive behaviors I encourage you to confront for the sake of your marriage.  Disrespect and neglect.  God commands us to respect each other because he knows relationships can’t flourish without it.  When your spouse treats you disrespectfully, call out the behavior/words.  It isn’t ok.  But don’t let your anger make him unable to hear the truth.  Don’t attack.  Clearly, calmly state that he has crossed the line into disrespect which is unacceptable for a good relationship.  Remind him that you want a good relationship with him.  The point of this conversation is to help the relationship, not start a fight.  If he is unreceptive, remove yourself physically as soon as possible.  Be sure you are setting an example of respect in the way you treat him.  Get help in setting boundaries.

“Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect.” 1 Peter 3:7
“…each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”  Ephesians 5:33

Putting someone or something else in first place instead of your spouse causes neglect and is destructive behavior.   Sometimes a job can become a mistress.  If your spouse is stealing from your relationship to give to the job, it needs to be addressed.  Maybe it isn’t your spouse’s job, maybe it’s a hobby, a group of friends, or his family of origin.  Put yourself in his place and try to figure out what he is receiving from this source that he craves.  Feeling important/needed/appreciated/rewarded/respected/stimulated/challenged?  Could you provide more of this in your relationship?  Have you had a serious conversation with your spouse about your feelings of neglect?  Does he have good models for life balance?      

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