We just got home from a visit with Husband’s dear parents now in their late eighties.  Let me share a story with you that my mother-in-law told me.  Many years ago her brother met a girl in Australia while he was in the Navy.  He thought he wanted to marry her, but things didn’t work out and later he married a wonderful East Coast girl who all the family loved.  Some years later a letter from Australia arrived at their parents’ home with the would-be bride’s name in the return address.  Curious, their mother steamed the envelope open, read the letter and showed it to their father including the photo that was enclosed.  Sneakily, their mother resealed the envelope with egg white and forwarded it to her son’s work address.  He wisely took the letter home and showed his precious wife.  But he didn’t show her the photo.  Months later the son and his wife were visiting his parents on the West Coast.  While they were sitting down to dinner, his father asked, “So what did you think of that photo from the Australian girl?”  There were two red faces at the table!  His mother who had been found out because she had obviously opened the letter and the son who had been found out because he hadn’t shared the photo with his wife.  Good thing the son had been wise and had shared the letter.  Just a few thoughtless words had ignited the situation.  I chose a funny, old story to illustrate the power of a few words spoken without thinking, but I could have chosen another similar story my mother-in-law told me of someone speaking before they thought that had a sadder outcome.  I’m sure you can think of occasions where damage was caused by careless words.

“Those who guard their mouths and their tongues keep themselves from calamity.”  Proverbs 21:23

Our words spoken without thought can have far-reaching impact.  The topic of our words certainly isn’t going to be covered in this one short article!  But several experiences this week prompted me to do some soul searching on the question of what is appropriate to share with others and what isn’t.

“The words of the reckless pierce like swords,
but the tongue of the wise brings healing.”  Proverbs 12:18

I haven’t figured out exactly what could safely be shared, but here are some observations I’ve made this week listening to friends and relatives:

When we discuss disagreements we’ve had with another family member or friend with those who are not directly involved, we are divulging information that is skewed.  We can’t help it.  It’s skewed because each of us sees any situation from our own viewpoint.  We all experience events through our personal filters.  Those filters are comprised of our own past experiences, our emotions at that moment, our values, and our assumptions.  Add to those filters our limited understanding of what the other person actually meant and our limited understanding of the other person’s filters.  Then add to that our own limited memory of exactly what each of you said and you have a recipe for disaster.  Passing on our own version of the disagreement is unfair.  It’s unfair because it isn’t all of the truth and it isn’t all truth.  Yet our account will influence others’ feeling toward the person we talk about.

“Set a guard over my mouth, Lord;
keep watch over the door of my lips.”  Psalm 141:3

When we discuss with those who are not directly involved in disagreements we’ve had with another family member or friend, we are letting them know that we are gossips and they won’t trust us with their own personal stories.  It raises a red flag that we aren’t safe.  They are afraid that if given the chance, we will divulge their information just like we have divulged other’s.  Now they will distrust us and not share on a deep level out of fear we will spread their deepest stories.

“The tongue has the power of life and death.”  Proverbs 18:21

“Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark.  The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell. . . but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.  With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God’s likeness.  My brothers and sisters, this should not be.”  James 3:5-10

 

 

 

 

 

“Those who consider themselves religious and yet do not keep a tight rein on their tongues deceive themselves, and their religion is worthless.”  James 1:26

 

Here are some guidelines I’m trying to put in place to guard my big mouth:

When I talk-  Is the person I’m telling directly involved?  Could they help resolve the issue I’m discussing?  Do they need to know for their own well being?

Am I speaking with sympathy and love, remembering that I am also a flawed human being?  Would I want someone to talk about me the way I’m talking?  If they could hear me, would they feel hurt or betrayed?

“Finally, all of you should be of one mind. Sympathize with each other. Love each other as brothers and sisters. Be tenderhearted, and keep a humble attitude.  Don’t repay evil for evil. Don’t retaliate with insults when people insult you. Instead, pay them back with a blessing. That is what God has called you to do, and he will grant you his blessing.  

For the Scriptures say,
‘If you want to enjoy life
and see many happy days,
keep your tongue from speaking evil
and your lips from telling lies.
Turn away from evil and do good.
Search for peace, and work to maintain it.’”
I Peter 3:8-11 quoting  Psalm 34:12-14

When I listen-  Do I end conversations when the talk slips into gossip?  Do I discourage others from sharing information that I shouldn’t be hearing due to its personal nature?  Is my goal to help resolve the issue or am I simply morbidly curious?

You might have learned a little song when you were a child in Sunday School that went like this:

Be careful little eyes what you see
Be careful little feet where you go
Be careful little mouth what you say
For the Father up above is looking down in love
So be careful little mouth what you say

That is still good advice because God does notice what we say and because what we say has such far-reaching repercussions we can’t begin to imagine for us and for others.  Fortunately, we have the help of the Spirit of God himself to sound the alarm when we’re about to harm someone else with our words. . . that quiet voice in our head that reminds us to keep quiet or to leave a conversation or to speak up in defense of someone.  He may also encourage us to back away from friends who habitually gossip.  We have God’s help if we ask for it and listen for it because our own willpower alone will let us down.

“Who may worship in your sanctuary, Lord?
Who may enter your presence on your holy hill?
Those who lead blameless lives and do what is right,
speaking the truth from sincere hearts.
Those who refuse to gossip
or harm their neighbors
or speak evil of their friends.”  Psalm 15:1-3