I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how negatively we speak to each other. Words are powerful. Negative words; insults, betrayals, gossip, inpatient comments, cutting comebacks, sarcasm, fault-finding, belittling, discouraging words, criticism, lies, disrespect are powerful to harm. The hurt from thoughtless words hurled in anger or bubbling up from impatience can last a lifetime and twist the inner person, both in the speaker and the target.
“If you claim to be religious but don’t control your tongue, you are fooling yourself, and your religion is worthless.
Indeed, we all make many mistakes. For if we could control our tongues, we would be perfect and could also control ourselves in every other way.
We can make a large horse go wherever we want by means of a small bit in its mouth. And a small rudder makes a huge ship turn wherever the pilot chooses to go, even though the winds are strong. In the same way, the tongue is a small thing that boasts of great things.
But a tiny spark can set a great forest on fire. And the tongue is a flame of fire. It is a whole world of wickedness, corrupting your entire body. It can set your whole life on fire, for it is set on fire by hell itself.
People can tame all kinds of animals, birds, reptiles, and fish, but no one can tame the tongue. It is restless and evil, full of deadly poison. Sometimes it praises our Lord and Father, and sometimes it curses those who have been made in the image of God. And so blessing and cursing come pouring out of the same mouth. Surely, my brothers and sisters, this is not right!” from the book of James in the New Testament.
I’ve been wondering what our response should be when we’re the target of nasty words. Of course, different situations require different responses. I’m thinking of family dynamics here, not work or social situations. If the person speaking out of line is under my authority, how do I correct them in a way that will help them see the importance of building each other up and not tearing them apart?
If the person is a family member not under my authority, am I brave enough to speak truth and call them on their destructive behavior in private? Being a people-pleaser and a don’t-rock-the-boat person, this is a very tall order for me. My default is to shut up and seethe inside. I guess it comes down to whether my own comfort is more important than their good and the good of relationships they’re harming.
Sometimes it’s helpful to rephrase a harsh statement in a kinder way for the offender so they can hear their 
statement reworded into an acceptable communication. Sometimes they’re so absorbed in their business they don’t notice their harshness and this reworded statement points out what they should have said. It also makes it clear that their words weren’t acceptable and kinder words are expected. We’ve all done this with our kids when they were little. Child, “Get me a drink.” Mom, “Would you get me a drink, please?” The offending statement is reworded to polite language. This sometimes works with adults, too.
Other times it’s best to just exit the conversation. Rudeness between adults isn’t acceptable and it may be necessary to end the conversation until the offender is willing to show respect. Ignoring rudeness rarely helps the offender because no consequences mean no motivation to speak kindly.
Habits are hard to break. Cowardice is difficult to overcome in relationships, especially if peace at any price is my natural inclination. But making those I love aware of their hurtful words is the courageous and loving thing to do. Who else will care enough to help them change if I don’t?