I’ve been listening to myself lately. You know, listening to myself talking to friends and family. “I did ____ on my project. Then I____. I feel ____. Would you do _____ for me? So I said _____. I’d like to ____.” I, me, my. Oh, my! How inclined I am to talk about me. Why is the first topic of conversation that comes to mind me?! So I’ve been making a genuine effort to engage in conversations about the other person’s activities, desires, progress, feelings, and experiences. Amazing what I can learn when I shut up and listen! By listening, I can start to understand the other person. “No wonder she … after her bad experience”. Catching a glimpse of the other person’s life makes it easier to give them the benefit of the doubt. “If I had that life story I might act like that, too.” I appreciate the other person when I begin to see where they’ve come from. “He’s overcome such hardship to get this far.” It helps me to be more patient with others when I hear their hurts, hopes, and heart.
It seems to me that a profitable conversation isn’t lopsided either way- only about me or only about the other person. Both of us need the opportunity to be heard. It’s satisfying when both people mutually contribute. Interaction is actually what we all crave. None of us want to be self-centered and boorish . We know we’re happier when we care about others. We just fall into the habit of “I, my” conversations. I’m learning to do what I call a time share check during my conversations. Have I given the other person the same amount of time to talk as I have talked? Often the other person is too polite to interject their thoughts, allowing me to ramble on and on ad nauseum. I’m learning to stop and ask them questions about themselves if they are hesitant to express themselves.
I know I’m improving when I open the conversation with a question about the other person. I genuinely do want to hear their answer and give them time to bring to the conversation what’s on their mind. I’m happy that I’m happy to listen. It’s appropriate to comment on what they’ve shared so they know I heard and processed what they told me. I want to be good at rejoicing with those who rejoice and being sad with those who are sad. Congratulating and commiserating. I miss the mark sometimes, but it just makes me more aware and determined to do better the next time.
If I have the privilege of face-to-face conversation instead of phone or written, I’m learning to be aware of communication via body language. I watch for the other’s person’s signal that they have lost interest in the conversation. If their eyes glaze over or their gaze wanders, or if they edge away, I know we need to wrap up the chat now. If they show uneasiness by shifting their body or gaze, I need to back off. Their tone of voice is a tip off about their attitude and I can adjust in response. I’m sure not a mind reader, but I can be alert for unspoken indications about what the other person is thinking. I also recognize that I’m communicating with my body language to those speaking to me. If a family member interrupts my project, do I sigh and express displeasure by my posture or am I good humored? Am I willing to stop and listen, ungrudgingly giving them my full attention? Ouch.
Conversations are not only give and take, they also have levels. Often there is a surface level when opening a conversation. Just banal small talk about the weather or sports. But if the conversation is with someone who matters to me, I don’t want it to end there. Trivial talk is like snacking on rice cakes, it doesn’t satisfy. My intention is to invite the other to a deeper level. But I have to remember that they may not be ready right now to enter this level of conversation and I must respect their desires. Also, deeply personal conversations can be exhausting and may need to be only a short part of a longer conversation which includes less weighty topics.
In the end, what comes out of my mouth is the indicator of what’s inside. I want to cultivate love for God and others in my inner person so that my conversations are full of care and compassion for the people in my life.
Here’s a scary assignment: listen to yourself talk this week. Where could you improve?