If you want  it, ask for it.  With respect and directness.  Depending on your personality, you may, like me, fall into the trap of needing something, but not asking.   I’m not honest about my need because I’m unwilling to risk confrontation.  I’m a coward.  However, stuffing desires can lead to inner resentment and bitterness.  Other people aren’t hesitant to ask for what they need, but they use poor tactics.  Nagging, sulking, or threatening may eventually get them what they want, but the giver may become resentful and angry.  So how do we ask so that both parties are honored?

I try to understand what’s at stake for the giver.  Is my request going to cost the giver something that is in short supply?  Time, money, effort?  Can I do anything to make it easier for the giver to say, ‘Yes’?  What could I offer to do to lighten the giver’s load so that he could afford to give the time, money or effort?

I know I should just ask directly and clearly.  But I find it difficult to bravely lay out my request.  It feels selfish and demanding.  It feels risky.  But in reality, it is beneficial to the relationship to simply and bravely ask for what I need instead of feeling resentful that my needs aren’t met.

For others, it’s easy to ask and ask and ask.  Nagging, accusations, threats, emotional outbreaks.  These manipulative tactics exasperate and anger the potential giver and make it harder to give generously and willingly.

So here are a few hints that I’m discovering help keep communication open and prevent resentment.

Listen carefully to the answer.  If the answer is favorable but vague, ask how long the giver needs to consider the request and when you could expect a clear answer with a time frame for granting the request.

She:  “Could you pick up the attachment to our mower  that our friends gave us?”

He:  “Probably.”

She:  “Could you think it over and give me an answer tomorrow about when you could pick it up?”

This takes some pressure off but infers that a real answer is expected.

If the answer is defensive, confirm that you understand the difficulty on the giver’s part.  Then ask would need to happen to make it easier for the giver.

She:  “Could you pick up the attachment to our mower that our friends gave us?”

He:  “I’m swamped right now.  I just can’t do another thing.”

She:  “I know you’re already working so hard.  Would it be possible to get it on a day when the weather is too bad for you to work?”

If the answer is neutral and non-committal, explain why your request is important to you.

She:  “Could you pick up the attachment to our mower that our friends gave us?”

He:  “Maybe.”

She:  “It’s important to me that you get it because the project I’m working on is at a standstill until I have the right equipment.  I don’t like sitting around feeling useless and not contributing.

If the answer is no, ask what would need to change to grant the request.

She:  “Would you pick up the attachment to our mower that our friends gave us?”

He:  “Sorry, I can’t lift it into the truck.”

She:  “How could we get it into the truck?  Strong friends to help?  A truck with a lift gate?  Could you take our mower and hook it up and drive it onto the trailer?”

If the answer is a final and firm no, at an opportune time ask for an explanation.

She:  I know you don’t want to get the mower attachment.  It would help me so much if you could explain why.

He:  I don’t think it is the tool for the job you want to do.  It will just clutter up the shed if we get it and don’t use it.

She:  You know about tools better than I do.  I accept your decision.

If the answer is yes, express gratitude.  Then agree on a time frame to complete the request.

She:  “Could you pick up the mower attachment our friends gave us?”

He:  “Yes, I know you want it.  I’ll get it as soon as I can.”

She:  “Wow, thanks for doing this for me!  I know your time and energy are in demand.  Can we get it next week?”

The Bible talks about how we should ask God for things we need.  Even God likes us to come and ask.

“Yet you don’t have what you want because you don’t ask God for it. And even when you ask, you don’t get it because your motives are all wrong—you want only what will give you pleasure.”  James 4:2-3

“What do you want me to do for you?” Jesus asked.

“My rabbi,” the blind man said, “I want to see!”

And Jesus said to him, “Go, for your faith has healed you.” Instantly the man could see, and he followed Jesus down the road.”  Mark 10:51-52

    “As he entered a village there, ten lepers stood at a distance, crying out, “Jesus, Master, have mercy on us!”

He looked at them and said, “Go show yourselves to the priests.” And as they went, they were cleansed of their leprosy.” Luke 17:12-13

“So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most.”  Hebrews 4:16

This is what I’m learning:  If I want it, ask for it.  Ask with respect and directness.  Be honest about my needs.

Understand the cost  to the giver.  Have pure motives.  Accept the answer.