This week Husband and I have had the flu.  We’ve had aches, pains and fevers.   Poor Husband joked about the sharp pain in his shins saying there was a rat with a rasp filing his shins!  We were miserable together with sinus headaches, upset stomachs and heartburn (at least we both lost weight, yay!).  My throat was so raw I could barely speak, and Husband joked that it sounded like my cough was last stage tuberculosis. Through the worst night, I kept thinking of the Bible story about Peter in the storm with Jesus.  He was fine while he kept his eyes on Jesus.  But when he was distracted by the darkness and raging storm he began to sink.  I knew I needed to keep my eyes on Jesus and not wallow in my misery.  I know we don’t know how Jesus looks until we get to heaven, but I tried to picture his loving eyes on me and his strong hands reaching out and holding onto me as he did for Peter.  

Now this is well and good.  But I have a struggle.  Why would Jesus love me or notice me?  He has the whole world to take care of.  I just have the flu while so many are suffering with serious, long term pain.  Why would I matter?  But I kept hearing a quiet voice that told me to look at Jesus.  So I kept picturing him looking at me lovingly and holding me safe.  Then I tried to figure out why I have such a hard time feeling loved by God.  Oh, I readily acknowledge a loving God with my mind.  But I often feel he must be disappointed in me.  

Lying on the sofa sick for days had suddenly cleared my calendar and I had plenty of time to ask my burning question of dear Husband who was also trained at a Bible school and was a pastor for years. 

Me:  “Is God disappointed with us?”

Husband: “How could God be disappointed in us when he already knows us completely and he already knows the end from the beginning?”  

That gave me a lot to think about.  I could see that disappointment comes from an expectation not being met.  Yes, clearly I fall short of God’s perfect standards, but he knew I would.  He chose to bring me into his family knowing full well ahead of time all the ways I would fail.  Nothing I do is a shock to him.  Nor does my behavior alter his commitment to me.  

“You saw me before I was born.
Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
before a single day had passed.

How precious are your thoughts about me, O God.
They cannot be numbered!
I can’t even count them;
they outnumber the grains of sand!”  Psalm 139:16-18

Husband pointed out how Jesus dealt with poor Peter. Jesus warned Peter that during his darkest hour, Peter would run and disown him. Yet Jesus didn’t shame him.  He prepared Peter for his epic fail and for his return.  Scripture tells us that immediately after Peter vehemently denied the Lord, the Lord came onto the scene and looked at Peter.  Husband asked me if I thought the Lord gave him an angry stare.  I knew Jesus wasn’t angry because that one look broke Peter’s heart.  Anger wouldn’t have had that effect.  After Jesus was crucified and came back to life, he spent alone time with Peter before revealing himself to the rest of his disciples.1.   Jesus wasn’t angry at Peter.  He was looking past the fail.  Jesus knew all along what would happen and part of that knowing included both the denial and the faithful life Peter would live afterwards until his martyrdom. 

“But I have pleaded in prayer for you, Simon, that your faith should not fail. So when you have repented and turned to me again, strengthen your brothers.” Luke 22:32

So is God disappointed with me?  No, he isn’t.  He loves in a committed, eternal way.  Because of this, he is patiently dealing with the things that hinder me from having a deeply happy life in him.  He doesn’t ignore the wrong attitudes that keep me from being all he intends, but that doesn’t mean he loves me less.  In fact, his care to make me better proves he loves me.

If we willfully do wrong things, do not admit it as sin, do not ask for forgiveness and turn from it, God may have to pull back from us to alert us to our wrongdoing because he loves us.  We can’t do as we please and expect to enjoy a close relationship with God.  

“But if we would examine ourselves, we would not be judged by God in this way. Yet when we are judged by the Lord, we are being disciplined so that we will not be condemned along with the world.”  1 Corinthians 11:31-32

Our relationship with God is integrally connected to how we treat others.  The ancient commands to love God and love our neighbor are intertwined.  Scripture is clear that how we treat others matters to God.  For instance, husbands who don’t treat their wives with kindness won’t get their prayers answered. 

“…you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered.”  1 Peter 3:7 

If we relate to others with a prideful attitude, we won’t have God for an ally.

“And all of you, dress yourselves in humility as you relate to one another, for
“God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.”1 Peter 5:5 quoting Proverbs 3:34 

If we don’t forgive, we won’t experience the release of being forgiven.

“Do not condemn others, or it will all come back against you. Forgive others, and you will be forgiven.”  Jesus in Luke 6:37

Our love for others shows what our love for God is like.

“If someone says, “I love God,” but hates a fellow believer, that person is a liar; for if we don’t love people we can see, how can we love God, whom we cannot see?”  1 John 4:20

God searches our hearts.  He knows our motives, thoughts, and feelings.  He is never surprised.  He chose to adopt us into his family knowing full well all the ways we would fail.  But he is committed to lovingly bringing us along and changing us into a beautiful masterpiece as we cooperate with him.  He sees us as we will be when he has completed us.   Yes, he does look at us lovingly!

“Now all glory to God, who is able to keep you from falling away and will bring you with great joy into his glorious presence without a single fault.”  Jude 1:24

This train is bound for glory!

1.  Jesus with Peter alone after the resurrection:  “He was buried, and he was raised from the dead on the third day, just as the Scriptures said.  He was seen by Peter and then by the Twelve.”  1 Corinthians 15:4-5; “they found the Eleven and those with them, assembled together  and saying, “It is true! The Lord has risen and has appeared to Simon.” Luke 24:33-34