Illness and physical limitations can put a strain on relationships. The time we need each other most is the time our relationships come under the hardest testing. Here are some tips I’ve discovered for strengthening relationships under pressure.  I’m imperfectly working on implementing them.

Relationships with spouse and family
1. Ask for help clearly and with kindness. Never assume your spouse or family knows how to help. Most likely it never occurred to him that you might need help doing _______.
2. Don’t assign motives. Don’t assume he doesn’t care. Or he’s shirking. Instead, get curious about what he’s thinking and feeling. Your limitations are making his life harder, too. Give him room to express his feelings without fear of hurting yours.
3. Don’t harp on shortcomings. Hope that your request will be granted, but don’t get resentful if he doesn’t do it or does it imperfectly. If it isn’t urgent for your well-being:
let the request go- release it. Don’t deride the person in your head. Work on being gracious. Overlook it. Think of something kind you can do for him- even if it’s simply kind words, affirmations, and gratitude.
If it’s a non-urgent request be patient. He may do it later.
If it’s a non-urgent request, and a day has passed, plan a way to do it yourself if it’s safe. “It’s not always time to complain, sometimes it’s time to complete.”-Valencia Davis. But don’t push your body too hard to finish something because you’re angry. “He didn’t do it, so I have to do it and I’m mad about it. He pushed me to take risks. It’ll be his fault if I get hurt.” Anger is Satan’s tool to harm us. Watch out!
Try to understand why he didn’t do it. Maybe he just forgot. Or he doesn’t think that job is necessary. Possibly he hates doing it and is procrastinating. Maybe he resents doing that kind of work. Maybe he didn’t like the way you asked. At a time when he is least likely to get defensive, you could explore what he thinks about doing _______. Try to come to an agreement. Likely you need to relinquish control, lower your standards, and accept less with an open heart.
4. Lower your standards. Accept that things won’t be done as you normally do them- in method or timing. Your relationship is more important than things.
5. Pray together daily. Set aside a regular time to pray with your spouse, or family, or even a trusted friend. Laying your burdens at Jesus’ feet brings freedom and peace. It also builds your relationship with each other.

6. Think of an excuse to reach out to friends by any means available…text, call, or in person. Your spouse, or even your family, can’t meet all your emotional needs. Be a true friend who has sincere interest in the lives of others. Contact those who need encouragement even if you don’t feel particularly ‘up’ yourself. Helping others helps us.
7. Appreciate everything others do for you. Say, “Thank you.” quickly and often. Name the specific action or attitude you’re grateful for. Build them up by noticing their gifts to you. Tell them how much what they did for you helped you and meant to you.

Self-examination
1. Don’t keep bemoaning what you can’t do. The bad thing about throwing a pity party is that nobody wants to come. It’s a lonely affair.
2. Concentrate on what you can do. I actually made a list of things that I can still do. Turns out that many of them are really important from an eternal perspective. Count on God to give you the strength for what he wants you to do. Let go of what you don’t have the strength to do.
3. Accept that your worth isn’t determined by the condition of your home or your appearance, nor by your ability to perform.
4. Accept that limitations and pain have been allowed by God for good purposes. This suffering isn’t wasted. Good will come out of it. Look for blessings in your closer walk with God, your relationships, and your service. These are the eternal things, so place more value on them than the physical things- even more value than good health.
5. Fight fear in all its forms-discouragement, distress, dread.  We aren’t promised healing. We’re promised grace to deal with suffering.  I fight fear by repeating to myself and the Lord the names he has made himself known by.  I pick one that speaks to my current need. “I trust you as my good Shepherd”, or my loving Father, or my Provider, or my Protector.  I remind myself and God that he promised to be with me and care for me.
6. Fight anger in all its forms- frustration, resentment, grouchiness, impatience.   Seek out the root of your anger- often we fight against the illness instead of fighting our poor reactions to the illness. We don’t want God to let us suffer, so we’re mad at him and everyone else! We don’t want to be weak, so we’re jealous of those who are strong. We don’t want to be sidelined and miss out, so we get resentful of those who are doing what we wish we could do. We need to repent daily of self-centered thinking and confess wrong feelings toward others. Ask their forgiveness if they were aware of your feelings. Berating yourself isn’t helpful, either. Instead, take all your nasty feelings to Jesus for forgiveness and help. Listen to the Holy Spirit when he warns you.

7. Direct your thoughts away from the illness. (Yes, read up on your options and be informed and proactive, and advocate for yourself in the medical system.). But don’t dwell there. It will suck you down into fear, hopelessness, and dread.
8. Direct your thoughts to Bible study. Take advantage of online articles about the Bible and Bible studies. Use online Bible study tools like dictionaries in Hebrew or Greek. (I use https://www.biblegateway.com/. I pay a small fee to get the original languages dictionary and reference books) Type in Bible questions you have into an online search. Read a part of a chapter each day and discuss it with someone. Subscribe to a daily email devotional. ( I like https://www.crosswalk.com/devotionals, https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/, https://www.todayintheword.org/)
9. Direct your thoughts to the needs of others. First of all to your spouse who is adversely affected by your illness. Do your best to meet his needs. Talk about his interests, his shows, his plans, his projects. Encourage him to get out of the house, meet friends, pursue an interest, and serve others.
10. Look for things to thank God for. Notice the little things that make your life better. A hot cup of your favorite beverage. A phone call from a family member. Hot water for a shower. Breathe a prayer of gratitude for a thoughtful friend, medical help, a safe place to sleep. Take delight in the beauty of God’s creation, even if all you can see is one tree or a part of the sky. (You might read or watch videos about animals or the outdoors if you’re not able to view or go outside.)

Implementing these tips will take God’s grace and the work of the Holy Spirit in your life. It doesn’t come naturally (to me, anyway!).