There she sat, my close friend and neighbor who happened to be a self-proclaimed atheist.  She was going on about supporting her grandson in his dissatisfaction with his God-given body.  She was encouraging him to permanently alter his healthy body in favor of a lifetime of untested drugs and surgeries.  I was shocked and heartsick.  We’ve all been in similar situations- maybe not that topic, but hard conversations.  We love the person in error so how do we respond?

I just want everyone to get along.  I don’t like tension between people.  I hate confrontation, disagreement, and ruffled feathers. If I disagree with someone, my first reaction is to run or just be quiet.  I don’t like arguing. (Ok, maybe sometimes.) But the problem with being a chicken liver is that I don’t have the courage to actually tell someone the truth for fear of offending. So what is my responsibility?  When do I open my mouth and when do I remain quiet?  Is it different for relationships with believers or those outside the faith?  With friends or strangers?  I hope this blog helps me and you answer some gnarly questions we all face in a society where there are sharp disagreements about very important topics.

Is it a moral issue? If it’s a moral issue that God is clear about in Scripture, I have an obligation to not deny God’s truth. This may be accomplished by simply not affirming sinning and being quiet.  Or it may be accomplished by speaking truth if the other party is willing to listen.

Is this a theoretical discussion or is the person actually already engaged in bad behavior?
I feel freer to express truth clearly when the behavior is theoretical and not personal.  That’s a good reason to have discussions about current moral issues before there’s personal involvement.  This preemptive teaching can be done in the church and in our families before our young people are sucked into ungodly ideas.  We’re commanded, not suggested, to tell others in the body of Christ the truth so none of us will be tricked into wrong ideas that sound good, but are lies.  (How can love be wrong? society asks.)

“We will not be influenced when people try to trick us with lies so clever they sound like the truth.  Instead, we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ.”  Ephesians 4:14-15

Paul agonized over the new churches knowing that good sounding but wrong ideas would try to pull believers away from God’s wisdom. So he taught them God’s truth so they would not be deceived.

“I want you to know how much I have agonized for you. . .I want them to be encouraged and knit together by strong ties of love. I want them to have complete confidence that they understand God’s mysterious plan, which is Christ himself.  In him lie hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge. I am telling you this so no one will deceive you with well-crafted arguments.” Colossians 2:1-4

Is the person willing to listen?
Is the person in a conversation with me?  Are they willing to receive my input?  Or are they simply making statements and not looking for advice?  Does the person acknowledge God?  Would they be open to hearing God’s principles from the Holy Scriptures?

It isn’t our job to make unbelievers obey God.  But it is our duty to provide an example of what God wants by the way we live. We are non-conformists- we can’t conform to our society’s morals in word or deed.  And when we have the opportunity, we can respectfully and gently explain God’s ways.

“You are the salt of the earth. But what good is salt if it has lost its flavor? Can you make it salty again? It will be thrown out and trampled underfoot as worthless.
“You are the light of the world—like a city on a hilltop that cannot be hidden. No one lights a lamp and then puts it under a basket. Instead, a lamp is placed on a stand, where it gives light to everyone in the house.  In the same way, let your good deeds shine out for all to see, so that everyone will praise your heavenly Father.”  Matthew 5:13-15

“Who is going to harm you if you are eager to do good? But even if you should suffer for what is right, you are blessed. “Do not fear their threats; do not be frightened.” But in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander. For it is better, if it is God’s will, to suffer for doing good than for doing evil.” 1 Peter 3:13-17

At what point am I doing more harm than good?
If my motivation is love for them, I must rely on the Holy Spirit to show me whether I should speak or not.  Sometimes preserving the relationship by being quiet will lead to other opportunities to give input down the road.  If my motivation is to ‘set them straight’ or win an argument I will do more harm than good.

Do I have a right to speak to them? Have I been loving and kind to them?  Have I proven faithful to help them during our relationship? 

Do I have an obligation to talk to them?
We can’t assume that confrontation is always the best way to help someone.  The Holy Spirit will guide us into the best way to love.  We know we can’t encourage behavior that is contrary to God’s clear commands because we know the sad consequences to the person we love.  We can often express our love for them, but disapprove of their behavior by being quiet.  We can’t support their sin, but we can support them.

Separating my feelings from the response.
If the person responds unkindly to my silence or to my truth-speaking, I must forgive and pray for them.  I mustn’t replay it in my head and hold a grudge or go to a dark corner and lick my wounds.  If my actions were motivated by genuine love and concern, I can have a clear conscience and move on.

So the next time you find yourself in a distressing conversation, check your heart.  Do you love the person enough to do what’s best for them?  Are you crying out to God for wisdom and gentleness?  Then trust the right response will come to your mind from the Lord.